I am loving my slow mornings. It seems ironic, because I always thought (and still do) that I’m a morning person rather than a night owl, but what I’m learning is that this relates more to the fact I feel the most myself when having a slow morning to really spend time checking in with how I’m feeling, drinking a cup of coffee, doing some deep breathing and a short meditaton exercise, having a breakfast of something filling that I’ve mindfully prepared based on what my body is telling me it needs, rather than enjoying getting up early to go to work, study or to exercise. Being able to take time for my skincare regimen (although this doesn’t take me very long) and take care of myself before getting dressed for the day and deciding on my plan. Having a mindful, slow start to the day like this I find just really sets me up for the day, so is definitely something I want to incorporate into my life going forward with whatever my new career brings. 

Figuring out a route to independent working is a daunting prospect, but I feel I’m slowly and surely getting closer to carving out a fulfilling way of working for me. Each day I try and spend some time listening to myself. What feels good? What feels intuitive right now? What is my mind and body telling me I need? Without the stresses I perceived in my old work life: getting up early in the morning to rush to get ready, sit on a packed train into central London, rushing to get changed at work and launching myself into the day which would be full of anxiety, unknowns and more often than not, leaving late and returning home exhausted – life feels so much more manageable and above all, enjoyable. I may lack a specific direction or purpose at this very moment, but I’m learning to lean into it and reassure myself that is ok. A transition doesn’t happen overnight. I’m re-designing my whole life here, it’s going to take some time and thought! A few months ago, this idea would have filled me with so much dread – how am I going to live? Pay my rent and bills? Pay for my wedding?! But this fear all comes down to, as most fears do, the fact all these things are ‘unknowns’. I don’t know yet how I am going to pay my bills. But I have learned to focus on the things I can control: what I am currently spending money on, how much I currently have saved away, what my partner and I can do together to ensure we can continue to live and pay for everything while I’m in this transition. I have such a firm belief that everything will work itself out in some way or another. I am so fortunate to be in a position where I can take this time to reflect, learn about myself and research what I could do next, not to mention I have a huge range of skills and previous education/experience at my disposal. 

Yesterday I knew I wanted to spend time moving my body in some way. I wanted to nourish my body with food which will be good for me. I wanted to spend time on things I love but also needed doing. I wanted to spend some time working on my future. So I did all of those things. I mindfully prepared breakfast of avocado toast, a lunch of peri peri chicken and salad pitta and a smoothie, spent time of a knitting project with a rapidly-approaching deadline, before going to the gym in the late afternoon. I shifted my mindset out of ‘I must spend x number of minutes on the treadmill or I’ve failed’ and instead I focused on using the treadmill as a way to warm up my body and show myself that it does amazing things for me! I am young and can run! Not for very long, but I can do it, which is more than some can do. The previous 2 times I’d been to the gym I’d managed interval running with 8x 1 minute runs with 1 minute breaks between them and felt very pleased with that (seeing as I haven’t run properly for many years and have gained a lot of weight in that time!). Yesterday when I started doing the interval runs, I realised something didn’t feel quite right this time. I was more tired and aching. Each interval was making me more fatigued and I could feel it in my legs and chest more than before. Old me would have then told myself I was a failure because I couldn’t complete the same as I’d done before (a standard I have set myself without anything to base it on – why?!). But instead, I listened to my body which was telling me continuing to try and do more interval runs was not going to happen today, without causing me pain, so I needed to stop and move on. I had managed 3 intervals. I moved on to working on my arms and chest with the weight machines, followed by a short row. Guess what? I felt great at the end! There was no sense that I’d failed because I hadn’t run so long on the treadmill. There was pride that I’d used machines I hadn’t used before, working on muscle groups I have tended to shy away from before (again, why?) I also didn’t place any time pressure on myself. I reminded myself, I don’t have any time-specific commitments tonight, so there is no rush or pressure to complete my workout in a certain time. I spent as long as I felt I wanted in that moment, then moved on to have a swim. Here’s my next little moment of victory: the pool turned out to be full of children having swimming lessons. I walked in, asked one of the swimming instructors if there was any public swimming allowed and she indicated one lane which was open for public swimming and it was empty. The gallery had many parents sitting there, watching their children in their swimming lessons. I was going to be the only adult in the pool. Old me would have absolutely recoiled in horror at this thought, convincing myself it was the most embarrassing thing in the world to swim on my own around all these children having lessons, that everyone would be watching me and thinking I was crazy. To be honest, there was still a little voice saying some of those things. But I chose to ignore them and simply got in the pool and got on with it! I tried to just sit in my own headspace (although this was hard thanks to the noises of 15 children having swimming lessons and splashing around) and get on with my goal of having a nice swim – and it worked! I swam my 40 lengths (1km) and felt amazing! Walking out to my car afterwards and driving home I felt such a sense of gratitude to myself that I’d done this for my body. I felt motivated to cook a nice dinner and treat myself to some relaxation in the evening before getting an early night. Since making changes to my day to day life without my chaotic job in the NHS, I have noticed I no longer crave sweet food the way I used to. I can have a healthy meal without then wishing I had a bar of chocolate in the cupboard I could have afterwards. If anything, I’m getting addicted to how eating more mindfully is making me feel, so I’m craving the good stuff instead! 

I’m aware this is an incredibly rambling post, but it’s really to highlight to myself that I have come a long way from that burnt-out, anxious mess from 6 months ago. I am taking time to be fully present in my mind and body on day-to-day basis, then working off what feels right for me at that time. This morning, I am sitting on my balcony with the river in front of me, watching boats go up and down, the wind blowing my flowers around, birds flying in and out of the trees, writing my thoughts while listening to some chill, lo-fi music. And it feels bloomin’ great! 

I hope you can incorporate mindfulness into your day today too. That power rests with you! x