I’ve never written a blog post before, but I feel compelled to start writing down some of my thoughts, in the hope that just one person might read them and feel they can relate, that they’re not alone – or just have a good laugh at times (at or with me, either is fine!). 

During the last 6 months or so, I have been on what I can only describe as a total whirlwind of self-discovery. In case you don’t fancy reading the ‘about me’ section of the website, here’s a little summary of how I’ve got here:

I worked as an NHS doctor in London/the South East for almost 5 years, reaching my second year of specialty training within the field of Obstetrics & Gynaecology (think women’s health and childbirth) before hitting total burnout and taking sick leave. At the time, I believed I was simply depressed and anxious: when I spoke to my GP (read ‘spoke’ as ‘broke down on the phone’) they signed my sick note as ‘mixed anxiety and depressive disorder’. I didn’t question it, as I scored very highly on the questionnaires screening for these disorders and these terms did feel accurate to how I was feeling. I’d developed a sense of panic I’d never had before, was sleeping poorly, felt physical anxiety whenever I went in to work and had absolutely no energy, ever. Cue starting anti-depressant medication and referring myself for therapy. 

BREAKTHROUGH!

In the UK, doctors are incredibly privileged to have access to a mental health service specifically for doctors, the idea being it is rapid-access and bypasses the need to go through the GP system, so that it can remain confidential (eg if you work in the area you live and understandably don’t wish your notes to be potentially seen by colleagues). I was triaged within 2 days into this system and had an appointment for CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) the day after this. My wonderful therapist was exactly right person for me at that time. I could (and probably will) write a whole blog post about my experiences of CBT and how incredible she was helping me through this time, but needless to say, I came out of our sessions (6 in total) feeling like a different person! She helped me uncover and speak a deep truth that I had been hiding within myself and scared to voice for quite some time: that I simply didn’t want to work as a doctor anymore. 

She helped me see that what I was experiencing wasn’t depression; I was totally and utterly burnt out. 

Through our sessions, we worked through so many aspects of how I’d been feeling about my work, why I felt so much shame and where I envisaged my next steps to be. It was very clear I felt unable to return to work at all, so I remained on sick leave after sending my resignation letter right up to the end of the notice period. During this time, my CBT sessions finished, but I continued to practice mindfulness and to meditate, and I began to work with a careers coach (also thanks to a free service accessible to doctors in training). This coach was also exactly the right fit for me; at no point during our 3 sessions did I feel judged for anything I said (believe me, some of my ideas sounded totally crazy to me!). She also had a background of working within the NHS so understood much of what I had been through, as well as the ‘common’ troubles doctors are experiencing when they seek careers coaching. This process took me to such depths of personal reflection, really delving into the essence of who I am: what are my core values, my personality type, my skills, then going on to use these as the basis of working out what to do next. 

That leads me here! I learned to lean into my intuition, my gut feelings, but also to acknowledge that I am a well-educated, highly-skilled individual with a lot to offer! It might sound incredibly obvious to say that a doctor would be educated and have a lot of skills, but trust me, when you work within the NHS as a doctor, you can become very narrow-minded in believing that doctoring is the only thing you could ever do (more on that in another post I’m sure). I realised that everything that helped me with my burnout recovery – mindfulness, meditation, coaching, getting back to the simple things of life that bring me joy, hobbies, working on my relationships – is also what I’m passionate about helping others to understand too. I would have deep conversations with friends, or help them through a difficult life moment, feeling an immense sense of fulfilment for doing so and for drawing on things I was learning myself about self-reflection and mindfulness and using that to help others. While trying to brainstorm what possible future jobs I might want to try, entering into the world of mindfulness or meditation practice, or even coaching, kept coming back to me. This felt like my intuition telling me this was an area I should take a look at. Who knows if it will amount to anything? But I feel a great peace knowing I am following my gut putting myself out there as a potential guide for others to be able to navigate their way through a time that was for me, the worst period of my life. I don’t want anyone else to feel that way, although I know that is a naïve statement to make, as sadly I know that so many people (particularly in the NHS) reach total burnout. But, if I can provide some help or even just a relatable story to someone, I know this will have been worth it.

So there it is, the first blog post! A little summary of my story over the last 6 months, with so much more to come… bye for now! x